I broke up with Ken yesterday and I think it was the best thing to happen between us for a while.

Things have been rough lately. We barely talked (like, MAYBE 20 minutes a day) and when we did we'd end up in a fight. Valentine's night I went to bed crying because of it. Since then I had been thinking A LOT. Things started bothering me from the arguments.. then things would start really bothering me that happened long ago. And I just started becoming really pissed at him for nothing. I didn't even have to talk to him to be mad at him.

We are at completely different points in our lives. Biologically, he's ready to settle down and start a family. And honestly, I don't think I'd be ready for that for at least 10 years - if ever. I'm becoming extremely passionate with this industry, and jobs are not always stable anywhere, let alone in film. I don't even want to begin contemplating about having a family without a stable career and money flow and I really don't know when that will ever happen.

We also are at times in our lives where we really need to focus on ourselves for a while. He hasn't been sober long - he's relapsed a few times since we've been together so maybe this is the change he needed to actually succeed with his health. And I really need to buckle down with school. Don't get me wrong, I did great last semester and am on Dean's List. But this semester is only a few weeks in and I had already lost enthusiasm - which scared the FUCK out of me since all I looked forward to over winter break was coming back so I could get my hands on a new project. I went to an informational session for the Semester in LA the other day though, and it definitely gave me that boost I needed. All I've been thinking about is going out to LA now, and it's given me the motivation to put all my effort into classes now. Not even just film, but even fucking math (which is such a bullshit class, that's a whole different story though), because a good GPA definitely sticks out in art school (not to bash anyone because grades are usually no indication of a person's art).

Then there's also the fact that I think emotionally and intellectually we are in different places. He's done growing and I'm not at all. I've grown more just in the months of being in Chicago, who knows what kind of person I'll become within the rest of my years here.

Though I initiated the break up I think it became pretty mutual. He agreed with me on everything I said (well, almost), and said he knew it wouldn't last forever but just didn't want it to end now. I kept saying there's never a good time to break up but after a while we kind of decided, you know, this is actually a pretty good time. Not only the fact that it may be a little easier to get over just for the fact that I'm away so it's not like we have to see each other all the time, but also because it ended on good terms. I talked to him more yesterday then I think we've talked in two weeks just because that load is off. There's no reason for us to argue because there isn't that pressure anymore.

Don't get me wrong - I was extremely sad throughout this whole process. I'm still feeling it, because no matter what I love him so much and there is going to be that feeling of loss even though we plan on staying in each others lives.


Hm, so I guess that's it. I have work all day but it's snowing out the ass so it'll probably be super slow. But at least it's something to keep me occupied (and to fucking pay me!)

I keep seeing this flyer up for "WANTED: LEAD VOCALIST!" and when I first saw it I got all excited cause I've been wanting to play some fucking music out here forever. I only read the first line before I had to get on the elevator to go to class but it starts off asking for only male respondents.

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

I keep wanting to tear down the flyer and contact them just to see what they say when someone with a pussy, maybe, JUST MAYBE, has talent outside of fucking bouncing boobies and being groupies - and the balls to inform them of it.


Otherwise, today I had a little breakdown in MIP II which was totally fucking embarrassing. I don't think too many people even noticed, but I just hate that I can't control my emotions - I'm unable to detect when they're coming and when they do, I'm unable to suppress them. My one teacher emailed me after class, though, asking if I was okay. I was always told that college would be cold and we wouldn't get half of the attention we did in high school. Whether or not this is true, whether or not Columbia is an exception, whether or not I'm just that out there that I make an impact on this one teacher's life - it just made me feel really good that someone cared enough about me to just "check in." Last night my friend complained about not having a lot of friends here. I told her I don't either - really, I don't, lately I've only REALLY hung out with Breanna - but apparently I can't say that because people like me. And sure, a lot of people do like me and tell me how funny I am and how we should totally hang out!!!, but that in no way means they care about me. Sometimes I'm lonely, I really am, and I think that's one of the things that got to me today.

I know, I know, a lot of babbling but very little detail or meat. MOVING ON.

Things I've done this week:

-Started working
-Finished a script
-Half way through a book
-Finished one and a half seasons of Will & Grace


Oh yeah, and I weighed myself for the first time in two week. I lost another 10 pounds. That makes 20.

FUCK YEAH.